Screen-Free Week 2013: Finding Balance in the Real World

Last year, I participated fully in Screen-Free Week - not using the computer or TV at all for 7 whole days.  This year, I decided to take a more realistic view of things.

With a preschool to run, a new blog to promote, lessons to plan, and bills to pay, completely eliminating screens just wasn't going to happen.  I decide to allot myself 30 minutes per day of computer usage after the boys were in bed.  One thing I learned this week - 30 minutes is NOT enough time.

The first night, I think I spent about an hour online, however, because I had given myself a time limit, I worked quickly and efficiently getting invoicing done, paying the monthly bills and catching up on articles, blogs and emails.  After that hour, I retired to bed where I read my current book - Siblings Without Rivalry.  Overall, I felt relaxed, both because I was caught up on work, but also because I hadn't spent extra mindless hours in front of the computer browsing through hundreds of lesson ideas and other time-wasting, directionless endeavors.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some mindless browsing, but it certainly doesn't need to be my focus every child-free hour of the day.  The week continued in pretty much the same way, but it wasn't working like it had before.

Last year, my concern was mainly about my son, Monkey's behavior.  He was 2 1/2 at the time and was clearly affected by my computer usage.  I must say, I did quite well maintaining the focus I set during last year's screen-free experiment....at least until my second son was born at the end of September.  I started my preschool up again when lil Bear was just 5 weeks old.  It was a struggle at first and I had way too much to do and very little time in which to do it.  I was barely sleeping and hardly had time to eat, so meals were usually made to order as needed and Monkey often ate on his own.  I tried my best to be sure he had time with me on his own to read or play games and for a long while, he was napping everyday at the same time as the baby and that gave me a good window to get things finished up after each school day.

However, slowly but surely, I became that dang frog in the pot again!!  Why does this keep happening??  Sheesh.  Monkey stopped napping, I was sleepy and still not focusing on myself when it came to food, quiet time and appropriate rest, we were arguing all the time and heading for disaster if I didn't straighten things out.

When I started seeing reminders about Screen-Free Week, it dawned on me, it was history repeating itself, but this time, I would be the calm center of our household, I would be the strong and compassionate guide my son was so desperately trying to bring out in me.  First up, no computer (again) until after bedtime - done! Next?

Time for some reflection.  He's acting out but the computer is off, what else does he need?  We're spending a ton of time together, playing, reading, singing, anything he wants to do, why is it not enough?  It's not my proudest Mommy moment to admit that it took me ALL week to figure it out - rhythm....I'd let it go somewhere along the way.  The only thing predictable about our day aside from my preschool routine was dinner and by then, he was so frazzled and out of sorts that he didn't even want to participate.  So, I've got it figured out, now, what to do about it.......menu time!

The easiest way to schedule a child's day is to use meals as a base - time to 'check in' and regroup - time to exhale.  I decided to start with Rudolf Steiner's color and grain of the day; grains are one of the few foods Monkey's guaranteed to eat, so why not start the day off right.  We've also recently started using a rainbow chart to keep track of fruit and veggie consumption, so I thought the color of the day would be fun for him as well.  The color doesn't need to be food necessarily, it just gives the young child something else to guide the rhythm of the week - it can be clothing, placemats, anything really. 

I've tried menu planning in the past, but gave it up after a short time, mainly because my husband works nights and is only home 2-3 times a week for dinner and those nights rotate making it nearly impossible to create a workable routine.  I also didn't spend much time cooking because Monkey is a VERY picky eater; meaning no vegetable shall ever, ever touch his lips OR ELSE!  He also refuses meat of any sort as well as beans, seeds, nuts, and anything else that might possibly SOUND like it might be something he won't like.  On the positive side, he does eat a rainbow of fruit everyday and enjoys cheese, yogurt, eggs and even 'green juice' from Trader Joe's, which he'd probably refuse if he knew what was in it.

BUT, now I have Bear, who, at 7 months old, eats anything you put in front of him, including eggplant parmesan and mahi-mahi, which I just can't wrap my mind around, so I thought, even if no one else will eat, we can go through the motions and Bear and I will enjoy what I've cooked.  The menu I came up with is simple: breakfast each day (usually a grain with fruit) with more time-consuming meals such as pancakes on weekends; lunches aren't planned because we keep them simple (hummus, yogurt, cheese and crackers, etc.); dinners are categorized - soup day, casserole day, slow cooker day, leftovers, etc. and then I pre-plan the menu and shop for the whole week each Sunday.

We've done our new rhythm for a total of ONE day at this point, but today was the best day we've had in weeks.  We ate our meals together, we played, we read, we had rest time (no longer referred to as 'nap', and yes, I rested too, we must set a good example!), I was tested, but I held my ground; I was pushed, but I was firm, yet empathetic.  I'm not under any illusion that today will be the standard for every day to come, but it was enough to let me know that all my kiddo wanted was some boundaries. 

A friend of mine said it beautifully once - children will just keep reaching and reaching until they find something solid to push against.  Yes, he's going to keep pushing, but I hope (this time) I'll remember to be there to be his solid ground.

Screen-Free Week 2012: Confessions of a Wannabe Waldorf Mom

Last year, I wrote a blog post of sorts, that I posted on my Facebook page as a note, and on my website.  I also happened to join in a conversation on the Simplicity Parenting Facebook page and post the link to my blog, which was then recognized by one of the admins on the Simplicity Parenting blog who asked to publish the piece with a few minor edits.  I obliged and that post can be found here.

Screen-free week is fast approaching and I wanted to get things started by reposting last year's blog, not only to open it up to a wider audience, but to remind myself how effective the changes I made were at that time.  Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be talking about my family and our approach to media both for ourselves and our children, but for now, here is the warm-up.

Screen-Free Week: Confessions of a Wannabe Waldorf Mom

May 8, 2012

It’s 11:30am, you’ve just finished up three hours of work and you have an hour in which to feed your 2 ½ yr old son and ‘attempt’ to get him to take a nap (which he stopped doing about 6 months ago) before your next three hour block of work.  Here’s how it goes down: you plop something down in front of him while you go about cleaning up from the morning’s events; checking and replying to email; preparing and eating your own lunch and constantly reminding him that he better eat his lunch (which he is currently ignoring) so he can go take a nap.  With about 30 minutes to spare, you declare that it’s time for a nap and take your little one upstairs completely wired from the morning activities and then get frustrated when he can’t wind down and fall asleep in the 20 minutes you have left to accomplish the task.  Eventually, you give up and finish preparations for the afternoon which is bound to be extremely difficult with an over-tired, under-fed toddler on your hands.

Fast forward a week; same scenario; same 2 ½ yr old; same 1 hr before the hustle and bustle begins again.  On this day, however, you give your child two choices for lunch: he can have a sandwich or some hummus.  He chooses the latter and you oblige.  You tell him that after lunch he can either choose to take a nap in his bed, or have quiet time upstairs in his room.  He chooses quiet time and asks if you’ll join him upstairs for a few minutes.  You agree.  He finishes eating, helps put his food away and starts upstairs on his own.  After a story, a few minutes of dress-up and some marbles down the homemade paper towel tube marble track, you tell him that you have some work to do, but he can choose to have more quiet time in his room or take a nap in his bed.  He asks you to stay, but after a gentle reminder that after lunch we have quiet time, he settles into the rocking chair with a book.  When the hour is up, he happily rejoins you in your daily work and remains agreeable for the remainder of the day.

What happened here, you ask???  Screen-Free Week, that’s what!

Yes, I’ll admit it; that was me up there in that opening paragraph completely unaware (or perhaps blissfully ignorant) that my personal computer usage was causing my child’s unappealing behaviors.  Let me backtrack a bit.

For Christmas 2009, my older brother sent me a copy of Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.  I devoured it and realized that I was on a path with my newborn son that I didn’t want to be on anymore.  We simplified, getting rid of ‘stuff’ in every aspect of our lives from clothes, toys and knick-knacks all the way down to credit cards and debt.  In addition, I very quickly eliminated television from my life and when we moved into a new home, we chose to leave our ‘living room TV’ behind, keeping only one that would reside quietly in my husband’s office for use after our son was in bed.  After a few months without a TV as the focal point in our home, we realized how little we used it and cancelled our cable.  My son hasn’t seen a moment of television since he was about three months old; and I would never, ever compromise on that fact; because, really, a television is a completely useless, time-consuming and energy-sucking device. 

Until now, I refused to say similar things about my computer; always making excuses about needing to get ‘work’ done or waiting to hear back from someone about something or some other nonsense which really didn’t matter.  When my old desktop took a nosedive and my husband’s appeared to be doing the same, he opted for a new laptop to serve as a ‘family computer’.  Unfortunately, the best place to house this new screen was in our kitchen.  For a long while, it was easy to ignore.  We were embracing a more Waldorf-inspired, simple lifestyle and I didn’t want that screen distracting my child from his real work: play.  I managed to get all of my work, communicating, etc. finished after he was in bed and the laptop remained closed the rest of the time.  I even remember getting upset with my husband after we first got the new computer for spending hours on end organizing music files and other odds and ends to get things the way he wanted them.  I even took it upon myself to ask if we could move the laptop from the island in the center of our kitchen to the farthest corner of the kitchen table where you literally sit in a tiny nook to use it.  It went on this way for months.  I’m not sure how the change happened, it was probably a slow process, kind of like the ‘frog in a pot of water’ scenario that Kim John Payne describes in Simplicity Parenting….you have no idea what’s going on around you until you finally look up and realize you’re in boiling water and you’d better get yourself out now!

That was me – the frog.  Wondering why my sweet little boy who always played on his own and was rarely disagreeable was turning into the very definition of a child in the ‘terrible twos’.  Then one day, it hit me; it was me; I was the cause of his inner frustrations.  I was also the target and decided a change was in order.

The Plan: No computer for an entire week and then after Screen-Free Week, no usage until after bedtime, just like the TV.  Reestablish a connection; this means meals together and a predictable daily rhythm.  Reread Simplicity Parenting.

Obviously, from the opening paragraphs, you can see it was a successful endeavor.  There are still a few arguments here and there; like when he wants chocolate for breakfast and I have to remind him that it’s oatmeal day or when he declares that he ‘doesn’t like’ the dinner that he helped prepare even before tasting it and I have to remind him that ‘this is what we cooked, so this is what we have to eat tonight.’  Overall, I’d say, we’re sticking with it!

Of course, there were a few other lessons for the week; such as, when you decide to go screen-free for a week, be sure not to find a baby bird in your sandbox and attempt to know what to do with it.  My husband made fun of me on that one, and I did, in fact, have to utilize the internet to learn that I could feed the bird a paste made from egg yolks.  Does that seem horribly wrong to anyone else??

I’ll never say a computer is a completely useless device, but I will say that when it comes to a choice between my child and anything else; my child will always come first.  He’s going to have a little brother soon and it’s a relief to know that all we have to do is stick with this new rhythm and adjustment should be that much easier.  We’ve simplified our lives so much over the past couple of years and I’m proud to say I feel I have finally taken that last big step toward being able to call myself a wannabe Waldorf Mom.