Our Daily Rhythm: 21 Days to Make a Habit

I'm not sure the '21 days to make or break a habit' theory is actually scientifically proven anywhere, but I thought it was time for an update.

We started our journey here during Screen-Free Week.  We've established some new rules about eating and I gave a brief update at the end of our first week.

Time for some truth: rhythm is exhausting!!

I've spent a large majority of the past 21 days giving reminders, setting and enforcing boundaries, planning and preparing meals, enforcing rules at the meal table, etc.  There were a few instances over the past few weeks that it took every fiber of my being not to throw up my hands and say, "Fine, you don't want breakfast/lunch/dinner/bath/bed/clean-up time?  Do whatever you want!  I'm done!"  and then go take a nap.

I was able to set my frustrations aside for the most part and come up with clever, concise replies for whatever was thrown my way.  In most cases, this reply was a simple statement of a rule we've already established and have been following for three weeks.

Despite the fact that these few weeks have been unbelievably difficult, I'm not giving up on the new rhythm anytime soon because, as is life, where there are negatives, there are also positives.

With the regulation of meals, I've been paying closer attention to not only what everyone is eating, but how it is affecting them.  I've discovered, after some tummy/digestive trouble, grains don't seem to be that great of a choice for Monkey (of course, after I plan a menu entirely around grains).  I'm hoping it's just a temporary issue caused by his previous diet made up of not-so-great stuff and will repair itself with a grain-free diet.  He has been *almost* grain-free for a few days now and the past two days, he has eaten a huge breakfast, including scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit and a super-yummy vanilla chia seed pudding.

Breakfast has been a huge hit, but he's also increased the amount of food he's eating throughout the day.  He tries pretty much everything without being asked now.  He just says, "I'm going to try my (insert food here)."  Along with better food choices comes a better attitude, more energy and easier regulation of emotions.  In addition, both kiddos are sleeping better and are sleeping through the night in their own beds almost every night, though the baby goes back and forth depending on how the day went.

Rest time has been a bit tricky, but just this week, Monkey came out of his room after about 20 minutes (rest time is an hour long) and asked if he could come downstairs.  When I told him rest time wasn't over yet, he just said "ok" and went back to play in his room.  Even if he's not sleeping, that alone time helps him get centered and he's a joy to be around for the rest of the day.  And of course, rest time gives me time to breathe as well.

And speaking of me....I feel like I'm actually accomplishing things.  I still have a laundry list of things to get done, but menu planning has allowed me to prepare for each day the night before, which makes everything run more smoothly and I find I'm able to keep up on housework and laundry and everything else I manage to squeeze into a day.

As an added and unexpected bonus, my husband has mentioned that he feels like he gets things done on his days off as well.  Knowing when grocery/errands day is and what we're having for meals each day has freed everyone up to spend time together, working, playing, just being.

Shortly, my husband's work schedule will change and my schedule will also shift just a bit to allow even more down-time for everyone, which means more time together as a family.

I'm looking forward to the upcoming summer months full of rhythm and the joy that comes from just BEING.

Our Daily Rhythm - 7 Day Update

Here we are, one full week into our new daily rhythm.  Time for an update.

Everything is NOT perfect, but everything is much, much improved.  We are all sleeping better, eating better and generally happier.  I can count on one hand the number of emotional outbursts that occurred this week - from any of us.

Monkey is tasting new foods and hasn't asked for candy/treats/dessert/etc. almost the entire week.  He still says he doesn't like certain things and has to be reminded that he may not say he doesn't like it until after he's tried a bite, but he is starting to feel comfortable and trust that I, just as I say, will NOT force him to eat something he doesn't like.

He still questions the new system, but with a little empathy on my part, he responds extraordinarily well to the routine and the natural consequences of not following through.  For example, "If you can get PJs on and brush teeth now, we'll have time for a book."  Yes, we've missed out on a few books this week, but there were no tantrums, just a few complaints followed by, "I know you love reading books before bed and I know you are sad that you didn't get ready in time to read, but I'll bet tomorrow you'll be so fast that we'll have time for our book."

He has also said "I love you" out of the blue more this week than I've heard in the month prior.  It makes me feel wonderful that the limits I'm setting are actually bringing us closer.

Since reading Siblings Without Rivalry, I feel like I'm helping Monkey to stop feeling like he's competing with Bear for my attention or anything else for that matter.  I have started using suggestions from the book when they are playing together, even though Bear is too young to voice his opinions.  One that works especially well is, "I'm sure you can think of a way to play that makes everyone happy."  This might still result in Monkey taking whatever Bear is using and at this point, that's fine, Bear doesn't care, but it helps Monkey to consider his brother's feelings without making him feel like the baby gets special treatment simply because he's a baby.  In general, this suggestion results in Monkey saying something like, "No, thank you, I am using that, but you may have this toy" and then handing him something else.  Everyone happy?  Yup.

We did run into some snags this week on Daddy's days off.  Monkey was testing the limits more than usual and I had to remind myself to remain calm.  He had to be put back in bed 4 or 5 times one night, but each time, I just reminded him that it was bedtime and I'd get him tucked in again, but that things were not going to be different just because Daddy was at home.

Fortunately, my husband's wackadoodle schedule is switching to something more stable at the end of this month and I couldn't be happier.  Not only will we get to see him 3-4 days a week (in a row!), but he'll have time to be rested enough to spend quality time with the boys.  Once he has a chance to see the new rhythm in action and can get on the same page, everything should settle down.

I'll update again soon!

Do you have a rhythm in your family?  Tell me about it!

Starting Solids: A Tale of Two Brothers

I just want to start by saying I'm aware that all babies and children are different and that making comparisons is probably not accurate science, but this story isn't about the kids, it's about me and the changes I've made in my approach to food in general and its presentation to my children.  I only use my boys as an example because they are the children with whom I share my meals.

When Monkey was a baby, I followed the 'standard' guidelines for infant feeding.  We started with rice cereal and moved through the pureed fruits and veggies one at a time, leaving the recommended three to four days between each new food.  By the time he was 9 month old, he was off purees and onto 'real' food.  Unfortunately, we weren't yet eating actual REAL food, still using a lot of soy-based substitutes as well as processed snack/kid food, most of which were carbs from a box.

Up until he was about a year old, he ate almost everything I gave him, including fruits and veggies, however, I was having to cover the veggies in 'butter' (what we were calling butter at the time) and put agave nectar on the fruit in order to get him to eat it.  I didn't think much of it at the time - that's how we ate our fruits and veggies, so why not?

At 18 months, he stopped eating almost everything that wasn't a carbohydrate, cheese or yogurt.  I became like every other Mom whose child stops eating, I started worrying that if I didn't give him what he liked, he'd just starve to death.

I've since learned that doesn't actually happen.

At about 2 1/2, Monkey took up fruits again with a much expanded palate, but still wouldn't touch veggies.  I tried everything, breading and baking them, vegetable tempura, dips and sauces, even hiding them (which worked in muffins and pancakes).  I finally just decided that it wasn't worth the effort and gave up.

Over the course of the past few years, my husband and I have made incremental changes to our own diet, the latest being the switch to all real food and almost all organic. We became better role models for Monkey, but he still wouldn't budge on the veggies or even try something he thought he may not like.

When I became pregnant with Bear, I swore I'd do things differently.  I had read an amazing book entitled Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pearce.  In the book, Pearce talks about the 'standard' introduction to solids, describing the process most of us follow - spoon food in, baby spits out, spoon food in, baby spits out.  He writes that this process teaches the child not to trust his own instincts and preferences about food and that food isn't fun.  Pearce asserts that introductions to new foods should be playful - just like every other learning experience in a child's life.

I felt just awful - what had I taught my kiddo?  Certainly not the right messages about food, nutrition, energy and health.  I had taught him that veggies and fruits weren't tasty enough on their own and had to be 'doctored up.'  I'd taught him that treats and desserts were special, therefore, better and more desirable than other foods.  I'd taught him that even if he didn't eat fruits and veggies, I'd always have something he liked waiting in the wings.  I'd allowed him to eat at all hours, never actually getting hungry enough to eat what was served.  How was I going to clean this mess up?

Truth be told, I didn't, for a long time, but we'll get back to that in a moment.

On to Bear's story.  Bear was born at home and was nursing less than an hour after he entered the world.  From day 1, we had a fantastic nursing relationship and he put on weight like crazy.  I struggled to develop that relationship for months with Monkey - having gotten not-very-helpful breastfeeding advice from nurses after my c-section.  

Bear started showing interest in food at about 4 months.  He was already trying to reach out for things on my plate, so I'd give him a taste of whatever I was having, a teeny bit of pear or banana or I'd just let him mouth harder foods while I held on to them since he didn't have teeth and I didn't have to worry about him biting off a chunk and choking.

At his 4 month visit to the pediatrician, she gave me the 'new' recommendations for introducing solids - no rice cereal and only veggie purees until 6 months, then fruits could be added.  I listened politely, but I wasn't sure that was how we'd be doing things.  

I purchased some purees when Bear was about 5 months old and we tried them here and there, but I was still just giving him tastes of whatever I was eating and on St. Patrick's Day, when he was about 5 1/2 months old, Bear ate corned beef, cabbage, carrots and potatoes, all of which had been slow cooked and were perfectly soft for baby gums (though he had sprouted two teeth a this point).

Nope, I didn't wait three days between foods.  Nope, I didn't throw all that in a blender and spoon feed him.  He ate it all and he fed himself.  After that, he ate with us at every meal (which Monkey still wasn't doing).  Bear eats everything with the exception of honey and nuts.  He does still do purees only because I bought a bunch and we're using them up, but once the last few are gone, that's it.

As a side note, I also started both boys on a regular cup at 6 months.  Just a tiny bit of water in a child-sized plastic cup to start.  I help at first, but by 9 or 10 months they can drink out of the cup on their own.  Try it - it's possible!

So now I have my two amazing boys and we all need to come together for meals, so I implemented a menu and a new rhythm to our days, which you can read about here.  I planned the menu around both boys, making sure to include foods that weren't too foreign for Monkey, but would also be appropriate for Bear.  We have fruit with every meal and Monkey's dessert is served on the same plate at the same time as everything else.  It's not huge and it's not called 'dessert' or any other special word....it's just there, part of the meal.  I'll be phasing this out as we go, but I love baking, so there will be tempting stuff around sometimes, and I want to establish a good routine.

Our rules are simple:

- You must take a bite, but you don't have to eat it if you don't like it.
I thought this might backfire on me and Monkey would say he didn't like it just to 'win', which I remember doing as a child, but I think he may still be too young for that, thank goodness!  He has tasted almost everything I've served since implementing the menu, except for the very first day because it was so new and I was introducing our rules slowly.

- You don't have to like it, but you may not complain.
We say 'I don't care for that' at our table when we don't like something.  Words like 'yucky', 'disgusting', 'icky' or any noise associated with those words is not allowed.  I do allow polite spitting-out of food if it's absolutely necessary, but it hasn't come up, so I haven't mentioned it.

- We eat together, at the table, and we follow our routine.
We light a candle, with a little song, then say a very short non-religious blessing before we begin eating.  When the meal is over, Monkey gets to blow out the candle and I'm sure they'll take turns once Bear is old enough.  Monkey is allowed to be excused early, but he is encouraged to stay because once he leaves, the meal is over.  That part was really hard for me, especially when he asks for a snack 30 minutes after a meal, which brings us to our next rule.

- If you are hungry, you may eat fruit.
Our meal schedule looks like this for the most part - 7am Breakfast, 1pm Lunch, 4:30pm Dinner.  In between those times, when preschool is in session, we have a snack at 10:30 and at 1:30 and sometimes lunch is moved to 2pm after preschool.  With three meals and at least two snacks per day, there is little time to get hungry, especially since all of the food we are eating is wholesome and filling.  The requests for food between meals have diminished since the menu planning, but fruit is always available.

Only time will tell if my approach with Bear will have any impact on his future relationship with food or if the changes I've made with Monkey happened early enough to turn his relationship with food to a positive one.

Maya Angelou had it right when she said, "When you know better, you do better."  All we can do for our children is our best and our best is always getting better; don't worry about what you could have done then, just do it now.

At least, that's my philosophy.

Screen-Free Week 2013: Finding Balance in the Real World

Last year, I participated fully in Screen-Free Week - not using the computer or TV at all for 7 whole days.  This year, I decided to take a more realistic view of things.

With a preschool to run, a new blog to promote, lessons to plan, and bills to pay, completely eliminating screens just wasn't going to happen.  I decide to allot myself 30 minutes per day of computer usage after the boys were in bed.  One thing I learned this week - 30 minutes is NOT enough time.

The first night, I think I spent about an hour online, however, because I had given myself a time limit, I worked quickly and efficiently getting invoicing done, paying the monthly bills and catching up on articles, blogs and emails.  After that hour, I retired to bed where I read my current book - Siblings Without Rivalry.  Overall, I felt relaxed, both because I was caught up on work, but also because I hadn't spent extra mindless hours in front of the computer browsing through hundreds of lesson ideas and other time-wasting, directionless endeavors.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some mindless browsing, but it certainly doesn't need to be my focus every child-free hour of the day.  The week continued in pretty much the same way, but it wasn't working like it had before.

Last year, my concern was mainly about my son, Monkey's behavior.  He was 2 1/2 at the time and was clearly affected by my computer usage.  I must say, I did quite well maintaining the focus I set during last year's screen-free experiment....at least until my second son was born at the end of September.  I started my preschool up again when lil Bear was just 5 weeks old.  It was a struggle at first and I had way too much to do and very little time in which to do it.  I was barely sleeping and hardly had time to eat, so meals were usually made to order as needed and Monkey often ate on his own.  I tried my best to be sure he had time with me on his own to read or play games and for a long while, he was napping everyday at the same time as the baby and that gave me a good window to get things finished up after each school day.

However, slowly but surely, I became that dang frog in the pot again!!  Why does this keep happening??  Sheesh.  Monkey stopped napping, I was sleepy and still not focusing on myself when it came to food, quiet time and appropriate rest, we were arguing all the time and heading for disaster if I didn't straighten things out.

When I started seeing reminders about Screen-Free Week, it dawned on me, it was history repeating itself, but this time, I would be the calm center of our household, I would be the strong and compassionate guide my son was so desperately trying to bring out in me.  First up, no computer (again) until after bedtime - done! Next?

Time for some reflection.  He's acting out but the computer is off, what else does he need?  We're spending a ton of time together, playing, reading, singing, anything he wants to do, why is it not enough?  It's not my proudest Mommy moment to admit that it took me ALL week to figure it out - rhythm....I'd let it go somewhere along the way.  The only thing predictable about our day aside from my preschool routine was dinner and by then, he was so frazzled and out of sorts that he didn't even want to participate.  So, I've got it figured out, now, what to do about it.......menu time!

The easiest way to schedule a child's day is to use meals as a base - time to 'check in' and regroup - time to exhale.  I decided to start with Rudolf Steiner's color and grain of the day; grains are one of the few foods Monkey's guaranteed to eat, so why not start the day off right.  We've also recently started using a rainbow chart to keep track of fruit and veggie consumption, so I thought the color of the day would be fun for him as well.  The color doesn't need to be food necessarily, it just gives the young child something else to guide the rhythm of the week - it can be clothing, placemats, anything really. 

I've tried menu planning in the past, but gave it up after a short time, mainly because my husband works nights and is only home 2-3 times a week for dinner and those nights rotate making it nearly impossible to create a workable routine.  I also didn't spend much time cooking because Monkey is a VERY picky eater; meaning no vegetable shall ever, ever touch his lips OR ELSE!  He also refuses meat of any sort as well as beans, seeds, nuts, and anything else that might possibly SOUND like it might be something he won't like.  On the positive side, he does eat a rainbow of fruit everyday and enjoys cheese, yogurt, eggs and even 'green juice' from Trader Joe's, which he'd probably refuse if he knew what was in it.

BUT, now I have Bear, who, at 7 months old, eats anything you put in front of him, including eggplant parmesan and mahi-mahi, which I just can't wrap my mind around, so I thought, even if no one else will eat, we can go through the motions and Bear and I will enjoy what I've cooked.  The menu I came up with is simple: breakfast each day (usually a grain with fruit) with more time-consuming meals such as pancakes on weekends; lunches aren't planned because we keep them simple (hummus, yogurt, cheese and crackers, etc.); dinners are categorized - soup day, casserole day, slow cooker day, leftovers, etc. and then I pre-plan the menu and shop for the whole week each Sunday.

We've done our new rhythm for a total of ONE day at this point, but today was the best day we've had in weeks.  We ate our meals together, we played, we read, we had rest time (no longer referred to as 'nap', and yes, I rested too, we must set a good example!), I was tested, but I held my ground; I was pushed, but I was firm, yet empathetic.  I'm not under any illusion that today will be the standard for every day to come, but it was enough to let me know that all my kiddo wanted was some boundaries. 

A friend of mine said it beautifully once - children will just keep reaching and reaching until they find something solid to push against.  Yes, he's going to keep pushing, but I hope (this time) I'll remember to be there to be his solid ground.

Screen-Free! Now what??

Alright, you've done it!  You've made the decision to go screen-free to some degree.  Maybe you've gone for broke and eliminated all the unnecessary screen time from your life and your children's lives or maybe you've committed to screen-free family meals a few times a week.  Whatever your level of screen-freedom, you've done something wonderful for yourself and your family!  I commend you!

Sooooo........(fingers drumming).......(foot tapping).....what in the world do we DO???

Unfortunately, the screen-free lifestyle often gets a bad rap because there seems to be a misunderstanding that the time previously spent watching TV, using the computer, playing video games, texting, chatting, whatever-ing, needs to be 'filled'.  To many people, filling time means organized outings, sports, extracurriculars, etc.  I can tell you, this is NOT the case at all.  You might be amazing at how easily and inexpensively you can 'fill' your time on your own or with your children when you go screen-free.

Here are a few simple ideas to get you started:

- Read a book - Even if you are sitting on the couch reading your own book while your child plays nearby, you are setting an example that will last a lifetime.  Both my husband and I are avid readers - he'll even have multiple books going at once - and we want our children to see us escaping into our stories like they do with theirs.  OR, read books to your child, no matter how old they are.  My mom and I read books together until I neared my teens and I loved every minute of it, even if I could read the words faster over her shoulder.

- Cook a meal - Don't get crazy on me, people, I'm not talking gourmet here!  This week, my son and I made turkey and cheese crescent rolls after I saw it here and thought, 'Gee, this is easy, why haven't I tried this before?'  Some of his other favorites are quesadillas, pita pizza, bread (adding the ingredients to the bread machine), grilled cheese, pancakes and french toast.  These meals might take just a few minutes to prepare and eat, but for your child, a short amount of quality time spent with you doing meaningful work is worth hours and hours of half-attention on your part.

- Create something - Anything!!  Whatever you have around the house can be used to create.  Build towers, color, glue, cut up magazines and make collages, make stamps from potatoes, use anything you can find to make patterns or shapes, throw a sheet over everything and have a picnic in your fort, anything goes and the kids love all of it.  If the kiddos are napping, create something just for you.  I can't sew anything but straight lines with my sewing machine, but I make place mats each month for my preschool.  I'm proud of them and the children comment on them often - simple, simple, simple.

- Sing - Yes, even if you are tone-deaf.  If your child is young enough, he won't care, he'll love your voice anyway.  Or, if you feel really uncomfortable with it, sing in a silly voice on purpose.  We bust out our 'Brady Family Musical' quite often - we literally sing EVERYTHING and my son thinks it's hilarious.  This works especially well if you feel yourself getting frustrated with something that's going on - just sing it out and you'll feel better - and your kiddos will be more likely to comply with whatever you might be requesting.

- Take a Walk - Again, not going for a 10K here, folks, just a walk.  Fresh air is good for you and so is the sun, get your Vitamin D for the day and take a little stroll!  For us, this is a simple as walking to the mailbox, which is just across the street, but for my kiddo, it's a big ordeal.  There are shoes to be found and bikes to be ridden.  He gets to find our mailbox number, open it with the key, grab the mail, lock it up and we head on home.  Sometimes, we luck out and there's something worthwhile in the mailbox, so we get to spend some time reading a new magazine or opening a package. 

- Chores - Do you know why children dislike chores?  Because they see us grumble about the dishes or vacuuming or dusting.  If you approach your chores with care and a fair amount of gusto, so will your children.  I have two spray bottles in my classroom, along with a bucket full of washcloths.  My windows/walls/tables/chairs are cleaned almost every day by a willing child.  They love real work and they love to imitate the adults in their lives, so give them a bucket of soapy water and a few dishes and let them have a blast.

- Play - This is what most of our screen-free time is spent doing - playing.  Both of my boys are amazing when it comes to independent play.  My older son has always been independent and was off and running (well, scooching) by about 4 1/2 months.  My little guy needed some encouragement to play on his own, but now, he's a play super-star - at only 7 months.  Please don't be discouraged by things you read on blogs - even this one - or anywhere else, no special effort is needed, except maybe the willingness to allow messes to happen and being prepared to clean up.  You really don't even need toys!  Your children will be satisfied with items from your house - pots and pans, sheets, towels, pillows, random recyclables, old clothes for dress-up, etc.  Water is always a good one - just add some kitchen tools and they're off!  If you have older kiddos and they're 'bored', I like to paraphrase from Simplicity Parenting and say something along the lines of, 'Something new/fun/interesting is just around the corner'.  It might take practice and patience for the older ones, but they'll get it and you'll be awed by their creations.

Will you be participating in Screen-Free Week?  Do you have anything special planned?

Our Screen-Free stories are here and here.

Our Screen-Free Kids: How and Why?

In case you missed my post about Screen-Free Week 2012, I'll just give another brief history of how we came to be (almost) screen-free.  In 2009, after the birth of my first son (pictured above with his pool skimmer electric guitar with jump rope cord), my older brother sent me the book Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.  At that point in my life, I was going through some rough times, and the concepts presented in the book touched something within me.  I just knew in my heart that I had to change in order to provide my son with better opportunities.

I made a conscious decision to change my life. I rid myself of debt and started reducing the amount of stuff around me.  I gave away clothes that I hadn't worn in months; plastic toys, especially those that had noise and flashing lights were gone, too.  I held onto only my most cherished knick-knacks and a tiny book collection that had helped shape me as a person.  Even my husband, a self-proclaimed 'collector' gave away boxes of books, DVDs, Cd's, and video games.  He also agreed to give up our 'living room tv'.  I'll admit, getting him on board with the screen-free life for our son took some time, but after a few months watching our son develop at break-neck speed with only a floor to move around on and a few toys, he began to believe we were heading in the right direction.

Over the past three years, we have definitely acquired 'stuff', but we routinely purge clothing, toys, books, etc. to maintain a balance.  I can tell simply by my son's behavior when it's time to clean house.  We've slowly moved into a more Waldorf-Inspired home life, simply and beautifully described here.

I certainly don't expect other families to go completely screen-free, in this day and age, that's nearly impossible, but there are numerous studies out there that may convince some people that screens aren't right for young children.  I'll leave it to experts to explain why: here and here.  And there are many more studies and articles out there if you feel inclined to do some independent research.

Here is a basic look at our (almost) screen-free life:

- Our TV resides in my husband's office and is only used when the children are sleeping.  We do not have cable.  We do pay for Netflix and HuluPlus in case we are in the mood to watch something.  I have favorite shows like everyone else; good storytelling is out there, I just don't need the junk on the other 200 channels.  My husband is still an avid gamer, but he works nights and plays his games when he gets home and the rest of the family is sleeping.

- Neither of us has a smart phone.  We have basic prepay phones for emergencies.

- Our children do not watch TV at home, and we try our best to avoid restaurants or other establishments that have TVs on every wall.  Even our pediatrician's office has a TV in every room - I turn it off and we read the books they also provide.

- We do have a video camera and my lil guy is allowed to watch videos of himself or slide shows of pictures on the computer - this is a recent addition as he's become more curious about the computer.

- We both try our best not to use the computer for extended periods of time in front of the children.  I get most of my work done in the morning before they wake up, at nap times and after bedtime, but there are times when it can't be avoided and that's part of living in a technological age - the internet is a useful resource.

I'm not sure how long we'll be able to keep our lil guy away from screens and we've already established a game plan should he begin to show intense interest - we do not want the TV or any other screen to become forbidden fruit, and we plan to teach moderation.  For now, though, he's not interested, except to ask if other families watch TV and I always reply, "Some families do and some families don't.  Our family doesn't."  He seems satisfied with that response thus far.

I know there are people out there who swear up and down that TV and other screens don't cause any harm, and I'm no scientist, so I truly don't know for sure, I can only do what feels right for our family.  Sometimes, I hear comments from other people, though, that help to solidify my faith in our choices.  Just this week, we had a company come do some work in the house and my lil guy (always the chatterbox) began talking about the pretend game he was playing with a jump rope (his 'plugger') and part of an old flashlight (his microphone).  After the work was done, the lil guy changed his props into tools to emulate the work that was just done in the house.  This man, a complete stranger, looked at me and said, "He's got quite an imagination for such a young kid."  Yes, yes, he does.  Lack of screens?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not, but why risk it?

The Evolution of a Mother: A Scientific Approach

My dear husband is constantly poking fun at my parenting style - or lack thereof - because I'm always trying new approaches with our older son.  Due to hubby's crazy work schedule, he sees very little of us on work days and by the time he has another day off, something has changed again.  I can understand how this situation might be frustrating for him, but I feel that constant growth and improvement in EVERY aspect of life is the only way we, as a human society, will ever evolve.  Yes, most people strive to be better at some sort of hobby, sport, career, etc., but parenting IS my career.  If I'm not working with my own children, I'm in charge of someone else's and the tactics that worked wonderfully for my son last week, might just apply to one of my students this week.....best to keep a plethora of tricks up my sleeve, don't you think??

I have a college degree that says I should know quite a bit about children and indeed, I do.  I can tell you about neural pathways in the brain and multiple intelligences.  I can talk to you about early childhood development theorists such as Piaget and Erikson.  I can sing songs, recite finger plays and come up with fun and creative art projects all day, but at no point in my college classes did I learn how to truly relate to children.  It's all theory and no practice - until motherhood.

Sure, sure, as a childless teacher, I had advice to hand out all over the place, but guess what?  I saw those kids for a few hours a day, a couple of days a week.  Even in my daycare days, the most I ever saw one child was 40 hrs a week.....not all day, everyday....and night....and wee hours of the morning.....and right in the middle of my first good night's sleep in a month....you get the point. 

The problem with evolution is that it's not an exact science.  In nature and parenting, there are so many variables that it's impossible to find one method that works for every situation.  So, what's my solution?  Look at parenting like you would any other scientific experiment.

- Ask a Question: I like to focus on needs here - What do I need? What does my child need? What needs to be done in this situation?
I'll use a recent example.  My 3 1/2 yr old son doesn't want to get ready for bed.  He says he's not tired, but I know that he is, based on his daily activities and his behavior.  I need him to get ready for bed because I need to finish cleaning up the house and preparing for the following day.  He needs to learn to listen to his body and recognize when he's tired.  He also needs a good night's sleep.  In this situation, he needs to follow the routine, but also retain his power.

- Do Background Research:  Is what I'm asking my child to do really important? Is my child hungry/tired/thirsty/disconnected/overstimulated.  We can't ask our children to do anything unless their needs are met.  A banana is my go-to solution for practically everything.
Back to the bedtime issue.  Yes, it is important for him to sleep, but it's not overly important that he get into bed at this exact moment, my chores won't take that long and he might need extra time to wind down.  I know all of his needs are met, so it's probably more important that he practice getting tired on his own and recognizing when it's time to turn-in for the night.

- Construct a Hypothesis: What will happen if I......???
I wonder what will happen if I just leave him to his own devices.

- Conduct an Experiment:  Pretty self-explanatory
So I decide to leave my son upstairs in his room for some quiet playtime.  I give him his hugs and kisses and I love yous and tell him when he's tired to go to bed.  He still refuses to put his PJs on or brush his teeth, but it's not worth the fight, I'm testing my hypothesis here, limiting variables that might cause behavioral changes.

- Analyze Data and Draw Conclusion: This one can happen pretty quickly depending on the situation.  You ask your child to do something and she says 'no', you know you've got to return to step one and try again.  Other times, you might just reflect on your day for a while before drawing any conclusion at all.  I review every day to myself after the kids go to bed, sometimes I get a chance to talk things out with my husband, which always helps things seem more clear.
After about 30 minutes, I return to my little guy's bedroom to find him tucked into bed asleep in his clothes with toys everywhere.  I remove all the trip hazards from his floor and then help him into his PJs and return him to his warm place in bed.  Conclusion?  He is quite capable of determining when he's tired and can now be trusted to take over control of this aspect of his daily schedule.

- Communicate your Results: No matter what age your child is, you should always communicate with him as if he understands you completely.  I talk to my 6 month old just as much and in the same conversational way as I do with my 3 1/2 yr old.  It's respectful and sets the groundwork for positive communication and interactions in the future.  If you need to, for your own sanity, write things down.
I was not able to talk to my son immediately after the experiment, so it was later agreed that he still needs to get ready for bed according to our regular routine, however, after our usual story, blessing, and hugs and kisses, he is able to read or play quietly in his room until he feels tired enough to head to bed.  I also communicate this to my husband so we're all on the same page.

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I've been pretty much every kind of parent out there and I'm still not, and probably never will be, set in a stone parenting mold.  I try my best every day to do what feels right in my heart and when I'm wrong, I tell my children I'm sorry and that I was wrong. 

I think a lot of parents are afraid to say those things to their children; afraid they'll appear weak or not in control.  I couldn't disagree more.  When you show your true emotions to your child, even if they are wrong or hurtful or angry or melodramatic, your child learns that no one in this world is static.  When you take responsibility for your wrongdoings, he learns that recognizing your faults and making amends is an important part of relationships. 

Most of all, when you are your authentic self, your child feels secure and is willing to trust that you will always love him even if he's wrong because he loves you.......even when you're wrong.  And go ahead and trust me on this one; if you and your little one are anything like me and mine; you're gonna be wrong a LOT! :)