Our Daily Rhythm - 7 Day Update

Here we are, one full week into our new daily rhythm.  Time for an update.

Everything is NOT perfect, but everything is much, much improved.  We are all sleeping better, eating better and generally happier.  I can count on one hand the number of emotional outbursts that occurred this week - from any of us.

Monkey is tasting new foods and hasn't asked for candy/treats/dessert/etc. almost the entire week.  He still says he doesn't like certain things and has to be reminded that he may not say he doesn't like it until after he's tried a bite, but he is starting to feel comfortable and trust that I, just as I say, will NOT force him to eat something he doesn't like.

He still questions the new system, but with a little empathy on my part, he responds extraordinarily well to the routine and the natural consequences of not following through.  For example, "If you can get PJs on and brush teeth now, we'll have time for a book."  Yes, we've missed out on a few books this week, but there were no tantrums, just a few complaints followed by, "I know you love reading books before bed and I know you are sad that you didn't get ready in time to read, but I'll bet tomorrow you'll be so fast that we'll have time for our book."

He has also said "I love you" out of the blue more this week than I've heard in the month prior.  It makes me feel wonderful that the limits I'm setting are actually bringing us closer.

Since reading Siblings Without Rivalry, I feel like I'm helping Monkey to stop feeling like he's competing with Bear for my attention or anything else for that matter.  I have started using suggestions from the book when they are playing together, even though Bear is too young to voice his opinions.  One that works especially well is, "I'm sure you can think of a way to play that makes everyone happy."  This might still result in Monkey taking whatever Bear is using and at this point, that's fine, Bear doesn't care, but it helps Monkey to consider his brother's feelings without making him feel like the baby gets special treatment simply because he's a baby.  In general, this suggestion results in Monkey saying something like, "No, thank you, I am using that, but you may have this toy" and then handing him something else.  Everyone happy?  Yup.

We did run into some snags this week on Daddy's days off.  Monkey was testing the limits more than usual and I had to remind myself to remain calm.  He had to be put back in bed 4 or 5 times one night, but each time, I just reminded him that it was bedtime and I'd get him tucked in again, but that things were not going to be different just because Daddy was at home.

Fortunately, my husband's wackadoodle schedule is switching to something more stable at the end of this month and I couldn't be happier.  Not only will we get to see him 3-4 days a week (in a row!), but he'll have time to be rested enough to spend quality time with the boys.  Once he has a chance to see the new rhythm in action and can get on the same page, everything should settle down.

I'll update again soon!

Do you have a rhythm in your family?  Tell me about it!

Screen-Free Week 2013: Finding Balance in the Real World

Last year, I participated fully in Screen-Free Week - not using the computer or TV at all for 7 whole days.  This year, I decided to take a more realistic view of things.

With a preschool to run, a new blog to promote, lessons to plan, and bills to pay, completely eliminating screens just wasn't going to happen.  I decide to allot myself 30 minutes per day of computer usage after the boys were in bed.  One thing I learned this week - 30 minutes is NOT enough time.

The first night, I think I spent about an hour online, however, because I had given myself a time limit, I worked quickly and efficiently getting invoicing done, paying the monthly bills and catching up on articles, blogs and emails.  After that hour, I retired to bed where I read my current book - Siblings Without Rivalry.  Overall, I felt relaxed, both because I was caught up on work, but also because I hadn't spent extra mindless hours in front of the computer browsing through hundreds of lesson ideas and other time-wasting, directionless endeavors.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some mindless browsing, but it certainly doesn't need to be my focus every child-free hour of the day.  The week continued in pretty much the same way, but it wasn't working like it had before.

Last year, my concern was mainly about my son, Monkey's behavior.  He was 2 1/2 at the time and was clearly affected by my computer usage.  I must say, I did quite well maintaining the focus I set during last year's screen-free experiment....at least until my second son was born at the end of September.  I started my preschool up again when lil Bear was just 5 weeks old.  It was a struggle at first and I had way too much to do and very little time in which to do it.  I was barely sleeping and hardly had time to eat, so meals were usually made to order as needed and Monkey often ate on his own.  I tried my best to be sure he had time with me on his own to read or play games and for a long while, he was napping everyday at the same time as the baby and that gave me a good window to get things finished up after each school day.

However, slowly but surely, I became that dang frog in the pot again!!  Why does this keep happening??  Sheesh.  Monkey stopped napping, I was sleepy and still not focusing on myself when it came to food, quiet time and appropriate rest, we were arguing all the time and heading for disaster if I didn't straighten things out.

When I started seeing reminders about Screen-Free Week, it dawned on me, it was history repeating itself, but this time, I would be the calm center of our household, I would be the strong and compassionate guide my son was so desperately trying to bring out in me.  First up, no computer (again) until after bedtime - done! Next?

Time for some reflection.  He's acting out but the computer is off, what else does he need?  We're spending a ton of time together, playing, reading, singing, anything he wants to do, why is it not enough?  It's not my proudest Mommy moment to admit that it took me ALL week to figure it out - rhythm....I'd let it go somewhere along the way.  The only thing predictable about our day aside from my preschool routine was dinner and by then, he was so frazzled and out of sorts that he didn't even want to participate.  So, I've got it figured out, now, what to do about it.......menu time!

The easiest way to schedule a child's day is to use meals as a base - time to 'check in' and regroup - time to exhale.  I decided to start with Rudolf Steiner's color and grain of the day; grains are one of the few foods Monkey's guaranteed to eat, so why not start the day off right.  We've also recently started using a rainbow chart to keep track of fruit and veggie consumption, so I thought the color of the day would be fun for him as well.  The color doesn't need to be food necessarily, it just gives the young child something else to guide the rhythm of the week - it can be clothing, placemats, anything really. 

I've tried menu planning in the past, but gave it up after a short time, mainly because my husband works nights and is only home 2-3 times a week for dinner and those nights rotate making it nearly impossible to create a workable routine.  I also didn't spend much time cooking because Monkey is a VERY picky eater; meaning no vegetable shall ever, ever touch his lips OR ELSE!  He also refuses meat of any sort as well as beans, seeds, nuts, and anything else that might possibly SOUND like it might be something he won't like.  On the positive side, he does eat a rainbow of fruit everyday and enjoys cheese, yogurt, eggs and even 'green juice' from Trader Joe's, which he'd probably refuse if he knew what was in it.

BUT, now I have Bear, who, at 7 months old, eats anything you put in front of him, including eggplant parmesan and mahi-mahi, which I just can't wrap my mind around, so I thought, even if no one else will eat, we can go through the motions and Bear and I will enjoy what I've cooked.  The menu I came up with is simple: breakfast each day (usually a grain with fruit) with more time-consuming meals such as pancakes on weekends; lunches aren't planned because we keep them simple (hummus, yogurt, cheese and crackers, etc.); dinners are categorized - soup day, casserole day, slow cooker day, leftovers, etc. and then I pre-plan the menu and shop for the whole week each Sunday.

We've done our new rhythm for a total of ONE day at this point, but today was the best day we've had in weeks.  We ate our meals together, we played, we read, we had rest time (no longer referred to as 'nap', and yes, I rested too, we must set a good example!), I was tested, but I held my ground; I was pushed, but I was firm, yet empathetic.  I'm not under any illusion that today will be the standard for every day to come, but it was enough to let me know that all my kiddo wanted was some boundaries. 

A friend of mine said it beautifully once - children will just keep reaching and reaching until they find something solid to push against.  Yes, he's going to keep pushing, but I hope (this time) I'll remember to be there to be his solid ground.

Screen-Free! Now what??

Alright, you've done it!  You've made the decision to go screen-free to some degree.  Maybe you've gone for broke and eliminated all the unnecessary screen time from your life and your children's lives or maybe you've committed to screen-free family meals a few times a week.  Whatever your level of screen-freedom, you've done something wonderful for yourself and your family!  I commend you!

Sooooo........(fingers drumming).......(foot tapping).....what in the world do we DO???

Unfortunately, the screen-free lifestyle often gets a bad rap because there seems to be a misunderstanding that the time previously spent watching TV, using the computer, playing video games, texting, chatting, whatever-ing, needs to be 'filled'.  To many people, filling time means organized outings, sports, extracurriculars, etc.  I can tell you, this is NOT the case at all.  You might be amazing at how easily and inexpensively you can 'fill' your time on your own or with your children when you go screen-free.

Here are a few simple ideas to get you started:

- Read a book - Even if you are sitting on the couch reading your own book while your child plays nearby, you are setting an example that will last a lifetime.  Both my husband and I are avid readers - he'll even have multiple books going at once - and we want our children to see us escaping into our stories like they do with theirs.  OR, read books to your child, no matter how old they are.  My mom and I read books together until I neared my teens and I loved every minute of it, even if I could read the words faster over her shoulder.

- Cook a meal - Don't get crazy on me, people, I'm not talking gourmet here!  This week, my son and I made turkey and cheese crescent rolls after I saw it here and thought, 'Gee, this is easy, why haven't I tried this before?'  Some of his other favorites are quesadillas, pita pizza, bread (adding the ingredients to the bread machine), grilled cheese, pancakes and french toast.  These meals might take just a few minutes to prepare and eat, but for your child, a short amount of quality time spent with you doing meaningful work is worth hours and hours of half-attention on your part.

- Create something - Anything!!  Whatever you have around the house can be used to create.  Build towers, color, glue, cut up magazines and make collages, make stamps from potatoes, use anything you can find to make patterns or shapes, throw a sheet over everything and have a picnic in your fort, anything goes and the kids love all of it.  If the kiddos are napping, create something just for you.  I can't sew anything but straight lines with my sewing machine, but I make place mats each month for my preschool.  I'm proud of them and the children comment on them often - simple, simple, simple.

- Sing - Yes, even if you are tone-deaf.  If your child is young enough, he won't care, he'll love your voice anyway.  Or, if you feel really uncomfortable with it, sing in a silly voice on purpose.  We bust out our 'Brady Family Musical' quite often - we literally sing EVERYTHING and my son thinks it's hilarious.  This works especially well if you feel yourself getting frustrated with something that's going on - just sing it out and you'll feel better - and your kiddos will be more likely to comply with whatever you might be requesting.

- Take a Walk - Again, not going for a 10K here, folks, just a walk.  Fresh air is good for you and so is the sun, get your Vitamin D for the day and take a little stroll!  For us, this is a simple as walking to the mailbox, which is just across the street, but for my kiddo, it's a big ordeal.  There are shoes to be found and bikes to be ridden.  He gets to find our mailbox number, open it with the key, grab the mail, lock it up and we head on home.  Sometimes, we luck out and there's something worthwhile in the mailbox, so we get to spend some time reading a new magazine or opening a package. 

- Chores - Do you know why children dislike chores?  Because they see us grumble about the dishes or vacuuming or dusting.  If you approach your chores with care and a fair amount of gusto, so will your children.  I have two spray bottles in my classroom, along with a bucket full of washcloths.  My windows/walls/tables/chairs are cleaned almost every day by a willing child.  They love real work and they love to imitate the adults in their lives, so give them a bucket of soapy water and a few dishes and let them have a blast.

- Play - This is what most of our screen-free time is spent doing - playing.  Both of my boys are amazing when it comes to independent play.  My older son has always been independent and was off and running (well, scooching) by about 4 1/2 months.  My little guy needed some encouragement to play on his own, but now, he's a play super-star - at only 7 months.  Please don't be discouraged by things you read on blogs - even this one - or anywhere else, no special effort is needed, except maybe the willingness to allow messes to happen and being prepared to clean up.  You really don't even need toys!  Your children will be satisfied with items from your house - pots and pans, sheets, towels, pillows, random recyclables, old clothes for dress-up, etc.  Water is always a good one - just add some kitchen tools and they're off!  If you have older kiddos and they're 'bored', I like to paraphrase from Simplicity Parenting and say something along the lines of, 'Something new/fun/interesting is just around the corner'.  It might take practice and patience for the older ones, but they'll get it and you'll be awed by their creations.

Will you be participating in Screen-Free Week?  Do you have anything special planned?

Our Screen-Free stories are here and here.

Our Screen-Free Kids: How and Why?

In case you missed my post about Screen-Free Week 2012, I'll just give another brief history of how we came to be (almost) screen-free.  In 2009, after the birth of my first son (pictured above with his pool skimmer electric guitar with jump rope cord), my older brother sent me the book Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.  At that point in my life, I was going through some rough times, and the concepts presented in the book touched something within me.  I just knew in my heart that I had to change in order to provide my son with better opportunities.

I made a conscious decision to change my life. I rid myself of debt and started reducing the amount of stuff around me.  I gave away clothes that I hadn't worn in months; plastic toys, especially those that had noise and flashing lights were gone, too.  I held onto only my most cherished knick-knacks and a tiny book collection that had helped shape me as a person.  Even my husband, a self-proclaimed 'collector' gave away boxes of books, DVDs, Cd's, and video games.  He also agreed to give up our 'living room tv'.  I'll admit, getting him on board with the screen-free life for our son took some time, but after a few months watching our son develop at break-neck speed with only a floor to move around on and a few toys, he began to believe we were heading in the right direction.

Over the past three years, we have definitely acquired 'stuff', but we routinely purge clothing, toys, books, etc. to maintain a balance.  I can tell simply by my son's behavior when it's time to clean house.  We've slowly moved into a more Waldorf-Inspired home life, simply and beautifully described here.

I certainly don't expect other families to go completely screen-free, in this day and age, that's nearly impossible, but there are numerous studies out there that may convince some people that screens aren't right for young children.  I'll leave it to experts to explain why: here and here.  And there are many more studies and articles out there if you feel inclined to do some independent research.

Here is a basic look at our (almost) screen-free life:

- Our TV resides in my husband's office and is only used when the children are sleeping.  We do not have cable.  We do pay for Netflix and HuluPlus in case we are in the mood to watch something.  I have favorite shows like everyone else; good storytelling is out there, I just don't need the junk on the other 200 channels.  My husband is still an avid gamer, but he works nights and plays his games when he gets home and the rest of the family is sleeping.

- Neither of us has a smart phone.  We have basic prepay phones for emergencies.

- Our children do not watch TV at home, and we try our best to avoid restaurants or other establishments that have TVs on every wall.  Even our pediatrician's office has a TV in every room - I turn it off and we read the books they also provide.

- We do have a video camera and my lil guy is allowed to watch videos of himself or slide shows of pictures on the computer - this is a recent addition as he's become more curious about the computer.

- We both try our best not to use the computer for extended periods of time in front of the children.  I get most of my work done in the morning before they wake up, at nap times and after bedtime, but there are times when it can't be avoided and that's part of living in a technological age - the internet is a useful resource.

I'm not sure how long we'll be able to keep our lil guy away from screens and we've already established a game plan should he begin to show intense interest - we do not want the TV or any other screen to become forbidden fruit, and we plan to teach moderation.  For now, though, he's not interested, except to ask if other families watch TV and I always reply, "Some families do and some families don't.  Our family doesn't."  He seems satisfied with that response thus far.

I know there are people out there who swear up and down that TV and other screens don't cause any harm, and I'm no scientist, so I truly don't know for sure, I can only do what feels right for our family.  Sometimes, I hear comments from other people, though, that help to solidify my faith in our choices.  Just this week, we had a company come do some work in the house and my lil guy (always the chatterbox) began talking about the pretend game he was playing with a jump rope (his 'plugger') and part of an old flashlight (his microphone).  After the work was done, the lil guy changed his props into tools to emulate the work that was just done in the house.  This man, a complete stranger, looked at me and said, "He's got quite an imagination for such a young kid."  Yes, yes, he does.  Lack of screens?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not, but why risk it?

Screen-Free Week 2012: Confessions of a Wannabe Waldorf Mom

Last year, I wrote a blog post of sorts, that I posted on my Facebook page as a note, and on my website.  I also happened to join in a conversation on the Simplicity Parenting Facebook page and post the link to my blog, which was then recognized by one of the admins on the Simplicity Parenting blog who asked to publish the piece with a few minor edits.  I obliged and that post can be found here.

Screen-free week is fast approaching and I wanted to get things started by reposting last year's blog, not only to open it up to a wider audience, but to remind myself how effective the changes I made were at that time.  Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be talking about my family and our approach to media both for ourselves and our children, but for now, here is the warm-up.

Screen-Free Week: Confessions of a Wannabe Waldorf Mom

May 8, 2012

It’s 11:30am, you’ve just finished up three hours of work and you have an hour in which to feed your 2 ½ yr old son and ‘attempt’ to get him to take a nap (which he stopped doing about 6 months ago) before your next three hour block of work.  Here’s how it goes down: you plop something down in front of him while you go about cleaning up from the morning’s events; checking and replying to email; preparing and eating your own lunch and constantly reminding him that he better eat his lunch (which he is currently ignoring) so he can go take a nap.  With about 30 minutes to spare, you declare that it’s time for a nap and take your little one upstairs completely wired from the morning activities and then get frustrated when he can’t wind down and fall asleep in the 20 minutes you have left to accomplish the task.  Eventually, you give up and finish preparations for the afternoon which is bound to be extremely difficult with an over-tired, under-fed toddler on your hands.

Fast forward a week; same scenario; same 2 ½ yr old; same 1 hr before the hustle and bustle begins again.  On this day, however, you give your child two choices for lunch: he can have a sandwich or some hummus.  He chooses the latter and you oblige.  You tell him that after lunch he can either choose to take a nap in his bed, or have quiet time upstairs in his room.  He chooses quiet time and asks if you’ll join him upstairs for a few minutes.  You agree.  He finishes eating, helps put his food away and starts upstairs on his own.  After a story, a few minutes of dress-up and some marbles down the homemade paper towel tube marble track, you tell him that you have some work to do, but he can choose to have more quiet time in his room or take a nap in his bed.  He asks you to stay, but after a gentle reminder that after lunch we have quiet time, he settles into the rocking chair with a book.  When the hour is up, he happily rejoins you in your daily work and remains agreeable for the remainder of the day.

What happened here, you ask???  Screen-Free Week, that’s what!

Yes, I’ll admit it; that was me up there in that opening paragraph completely unaware (or perhaps blissfully ignorant) that my personal computer usage was causing my child’s unappealing behaviors.  Let me backtrack a bit.

For Christmas 2009, my older brother sent me a copy of Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.  I devoured it and realized that I was on a path with my newborn son that I didn’t want to be on anymore.  We simplified, getting rid of ‘stuff’ in every aspect of our lives from clothes, toys and knick-knacks all the way down to credit cards and debt.  In addition, I very quickly eliminated television from my life and when we moved into a new home, we chose to leave our ‘living room TV’ behind, keeping only one that would reside quietly in my husband’s office for use after our son was in bed.  After a few months without a TV as the focal point in our home, we realized how little we used it and cancelled our cable.  My son hasn’t seen a moment of television since he was about three months old; and I would never, ever compromise on that fact; because, really, a television is a completely useless, time-consuming and energy-sucking device. 

Until now, I refused to say similar things about my computer; always making excuses about needing to get ‘work’ done or waiting to hear back from someone about something or some other nonsense which really didn’t matter.  When my old desktop took a nosedive and my husband’s appeared to be doing the same, he opted for a new laptop to serve as a ‘family computer’.  Unfortunately, the best place to house this new screen was in our kitchen.  For a long while, it was easy to ignore.  We were embracing a more Waldorf-inspired, simple lifestyle and I didn’t want that screen distracting my child from his real work: play.  I managed to get all of my work, communicating, etc. finished after he was in bed and the laptop remained closed the rest of the time.  I even remember getting upset with my husband after we first got the new computer for spending hours on end organizing music files and other odds and ends to get things the way he wanted them.  I even took it upon myself to ask if we could move the laptop from the island in the center of our kitchen to the farthest corner of the kitchen table where you literally sit in a tiny nook to use it.  It went on this way for months.  I’m not sure how the change happened, it was probably a slow process, kind of like the ‘frog in a pot of water’ scenario that Kim John Payne describes in Simplicity Parenting….you have no idea what’s going on around you until you finally look up and realize you’re in boiling water and you’d better get yourself out now!

That was me – the frog.  Wondering why my sweet little boy who always played on his own and was rarely disagreeable was turning into the very definition of a child in the ‘terrible twos’.  Then one day, it hit me; it was me; I was the cause of his inner frustrations.  I was also the target and decided a change was in order.

The Plan: No computer for an entire week and then after Screen-Free Week, no usage until after bedtime, just like the TV.  Reestablish a connection; this means meals together and a predictable daily rhythm.  Reread Simplicity Parenting.

Obviously, from the opening paragraphs, you can see it was a successful endeavor.  There are still a few arguments here and there; like when he wants chocolate for breakfast and I have to remind him that it’s oatmeal day or when he declares that he ‘doesn’t like’ the dinner that he helped prepare even before tasting it and I have to remind him that ‘this is what we cooked, so this is what we have to eat tonight.’  Overall, I’d say, we’re sticking with it!

Of course, there were a few other lessons for the week; such as, when you decide to go screen-free for a week, be sure not to find a baby bird in your sandbox and attempt to know what to do with it.  My husband made fun of me on that one, and I did, in fact, have to utilize the internet to learn that I could feed the bird a paste made from egg yolks.  Does that seem horribly wrong to anyone else??

I’ll never say a computer is a completely useless device, but I will say that when it comes to a choice between my child and anything else; my child will always come first.  He’s going to have a little brother soon and it’s a relief to know that all we have to do is stick with this new rhythm and adjustment should be that much easier.  We’ve simplified our lives so much over the past couple of years and I’m proud to say I feel I have finally taken that last big step toward being able to call myself a wannabe Waldorf Mom.